Lainie Liberti

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Welcome to the Leadership
Passport.

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I'm excited to chat with my
special guest today, Laney

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Liberty.
Welcome, Laney.

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Thank you.
Thank you for the invitation.

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No, I'm so glad to have you
here, so tell me a little bit

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about yourself and what you do.
Sure.

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So I primary primarily focus on
serving teens, teens,

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adolescents, sometimes tweens
and sometimes adult young

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adults.
And I served them in several

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ways.
My son and I Co founded a

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project called Project World
School and the teens and young

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adults that we serve are
primarily self-directed

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learners.
So some people call them

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homeschoolers, some people call
them unschoolers, some people

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call them autodidactics, but
primarily those that are

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involved in alternative
education in some form or

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another.
Now, Project World School has

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been around for about 14 years
now.

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We've served thousands of
families and teens, and what we

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do is we create these immersive
learning experiences in

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different places in the world
that have that follow, sort of

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like the methodology of
experiential learning.

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So depending on where we go, the
learning comes from not

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curriculum, rather from having
the experiences in those

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countries.
Now the, the experiences are

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curated, of course, and they,
you know, each day follows

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another yet sort of cultural
deep cultural dive.

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And they're, they're different
because cultures around the

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world are very, very different.
Sometimes we're focusing on like

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for example, when we run our
programs in Greece, we're

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obviously focusing on, you know,
the the rich heritage of myths

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and, and origins stories.
And even modern Greece where we

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look at not so modern, but we
look at the development of

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governments and we go the
anarchist zones and really

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explore what it means to to see
the world through that lens.

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And then we look at the current
contemporary immigration issues

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that are really prevalent in
that country.

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And we look at it through this
really collective lens of where,

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where are we standing from
historical perspective.

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And now looking at it, you know,
how did we get here sort of

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thing.
When we're in South Africa,

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obviously we're looking at a
totally different paradigm.

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We're looking at history, we're
looking at colonialism, we're

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looking at nature and all of
these other things that are

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really fascinating to see
through the lens of the people

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that live there and how all of
these different types of, of

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cultures types came together.
Some not, not, you know, by

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choice and others just by
geographical, you know,

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proximity.
And we look at at how

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colonialism has has, you know,
changed those directions.

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And then where it's become, we
look at human rights, we look at

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all of these different things as
well as that the, you know, the

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world of nature in South Africa
that, you know, we look for the

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big 5.
Yeah, we do.

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We go to and do a photographic
safari and things like that.

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And I could tell you stories
from all of these different

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places around the world.
But the, the, the biggest thing

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that we're really focusing on is
the balance between our outer

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world experiences and how
they're a reflection of our

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inner world experiences.
So there's there's great hair

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and detail focusing on kind of
what's happening in the inner

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world.
How are our individual world

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views affecting the way that
we're having these experiences?

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And what is our comfort zone?
And why do people in our host

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countries have different
perspectives or different ways

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of living that are not similar
to our way of living?

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And what does our comfort zones
tell us about who we are and our

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experience in the world?
And so like the, you know, it's

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a very, very broad approach.
Yeah.

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Yeah.
So how do you, how do you draw

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that out of teenagers that
you're talking about some very

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sort of deep, critical,
reflective kind of conversations

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and practices there that I know
many adults might struggle with?

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How do you bring that to the
surface with teenagers?

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Well, first of all, believe it
or not, all of our retreats

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through Project World School are
run through this is going to

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blow your mind consensus.
And that is not majority rules

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because majority rules or
democracy, as we've discovered

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when we went to Greece, means
that there's a class of people

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whose voices are not heard and
we feel like it's really, really

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important to empower each
individual on our trip.

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Everybody has an equal say,
including the facilitators.

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We're we're no better or no
worse than any other individual

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on, on the trip.
We have equal, you know, wait.

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And if we cannot come to a
consensus as to what we want to

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do for that day or how we wish
to handle it, then we keep we

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stay, we stay in every night.
We have a circle and the circle

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we unpack the day and we talk
about the plans for the next

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day.
And before the teens come on our

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trip, we do have a set of
agreements that we ask them to

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agree to and they sign a
contract to it.

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And then the first day of the
trip, we go over the agreements

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and talk about them and how
they're defined.

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And they're basically things
like, you know, we agree that

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one of the, the benefits or one
of the pillars of, of coming on

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this trip of self-care.
So if if my needs are not being

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met, then I need to express them
and share what needs to be, you

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know, met in that moment.
That's, that's crucial.

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That's knowing oneself.
But we also agree to participate

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fully in the community.
And you can hear that those two

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agreements sometimes may come up
with a conflict.

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And conflicts are actually
welcomed in our community.

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So conflicts are looked at as an
opportunity and whether you're

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directly involved in the
conflict or just somebody's

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who's holding space for the
conflict to be resolved, we all

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have 100% say in that.
Sometimes it's, it's exhausting,

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sometimes it's, you know, very
easily remedied.

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But what that does require is
communication, cooperation,

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collaboration.
And sometimes it's compromised,

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but it's never forced
compromise.

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And what this does is it
actively expresses the worth of

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an individual like my my needs
are important and I am

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accountable for sharing them.
And as we come together as a

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community, this is not just one
or two days.

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We're talking, most of our trips
are are two weeks, 2-3 to four

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weeks.
And the first week, yeah,

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everybody's on their best
behavior.

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But you can't hold up or wear
continued to wear these masks

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when you're with somebody 24/7
for this amount of time.

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And the real BAM becomes
revealed.

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And sometimes it's, you know,
what we see the first week is

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filtered through the lens of not
having confidence or through

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self doubt or through fear even
or discomfort.

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And it's OK to show up who you
are and as you are.

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And sometimes these really big
hard conversations are held

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during our evening circles.
Now every night we unpack the

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day and we started with what
worked today.

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You know, we go back and we
review the day and we really

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talk about like all of the the
things that through the lens of

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positivity.
And then we talked about what

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didn't work today.
And this isn't like who's at

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fault.
This is me personally.

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I felt that this moment in time
that we experienced together

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today didn't work for me.
And here's why.

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And I'm accountable for sharing
that.

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And then we do other things and
we talk about, you know, what's

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happening the next day.
And then we talk about, you

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know, does this feel in
alignment with everybody?

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And the consensus, the
invitation to have a consensus

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is not like this.
This feeling of, of forcing it.

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It it's the feeling of I am
accountable for my portion of

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what I'm giving to this
community.

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And sometimes getting fifteen
teenagers to agree, you know,

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it's not easy.
And sometimes our circles last

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two hours and, you know,
everybody's voice is important

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and saying that is very
different than having the

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experience of feeling it.
And sometimes, you know, I could

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tell you of an experience where
we did this learning, you know,

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a temporary learning community,
or we call them retreats, but it

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really is a temporary learning
community in Japan.

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And everybody was feeling so
overwhelmed.

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And we had this really big
because of travel and activities

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and stuff.
We had this really big

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conversation about this, this
temple that we were we had

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scheduled to go to.
And we all decided not to do it

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because what was more valuable
was having a rest day.

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And we we unpacked what the
consequences were, what we'd be

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missing.
We unpacked kind of how the

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shift in making changes to our
our schedule would impact kind

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of the coke like the the what's
the word I'm looking for when

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when you take things and you
pile up on pot cooperative.

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Not quite.
Accumulative.

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Accumulative, thank you word,
word, how the cumulative

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experience would be actually
affected.

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And we all looked at, you know,
there's some people were really,

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really exhausted and some people
had energy, but yet being able

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to hold space for other people
in our community when they

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needed, when they had needs that
needed to be met was really a

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beautiful transformational
experience.

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And that again, the experience
of, of knowing that one 2-3

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people's needs were important,
that it did affect the whole

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group.
We with Grace decided to hold

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the space for those that needed
more time.

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And it was just lovely to have
that experience.

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I'm just going to tell you a
teeny another experience that

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happened in Japan.
We had a couple of teen girls

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that were really in alignment
with their core values of

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feminism, and that really lit
them up in a really

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individualistic way.
And when we did the cultural

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experience of learning how to do
a tea ceremony, they were

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confronted with being challenged
to do the service for the boys

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in the group.
And that really touched

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something that was really
powerful inside of them because

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they agreed to be a part of a
cultural immersion and learn

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about a culture that in some
aspects were not feeling like

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they were in alignment with
their current perspective.

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And it, it gave a lot of of, of
space for unpacking what it

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meant to have these two kind of
differing and in opposition

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viewpoints at the same time.
And that was really a beautiful

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experience.
So again, stepping outside of

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your comfort zone and getting
comfortable with the discomfort

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and holding space for others
while they're having that really

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creates the strong community
bond as well as learning how to

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create a consensus and how
important that is.

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And, and having the patience to
to allow the time for that to

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really unfold while learning all
of these culturally beautifully,

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you know, deep experiences or
learnings about other cultures

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that are not your own.
Yeah.

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Yeah.
So how do you mentioned you've

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been doing this for quite a
number of years now.

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So how did it all come about?
What sort of prompted or or what

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was the impetus to try this?
Well, I personally don't come

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from an educational background,
a background of, of, of, you

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know, working in education,
although I do have a degree, a

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college degree in fine art,
which has nothing to do with

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anything that we're talking
about.

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But my biggest qualification is
I'm a mom.

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And I mean, I'm from United
States.

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And in 2008, I owned a branding
agency and I worked in

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advertising for almost 1819
years.

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And so my focus has been very,
very, very different.

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And this was what, 17 years ago?
And in 2008, I own this agency

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in LA and the economy crashed.
We had a really big crash in

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2008.
And I start seeing my clients go

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left and right.
And at the time, and I still am,

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but at the time, I was a single
parent.

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And one of the things that I
heard from my son over and over

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is mom, you're always working
and you never spend any time

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with me.
And you know what?

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It was true.
He went to a traditional school

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in Los Angeles and he was at
school.

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I was working, he came home, I
was working, you know, like the

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the time that we had together
was so strained.

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And when I went, when I knew at
the end of 2008 that I was going

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to be closing my agency and I
was overwhelmed and overworked

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and stressed.
I remember looking at my son one

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night saying, Miro, what do you
think of we just get rid of all

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this stuff and go have an
adventure.

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And he said, are you serious?
I said, yeah.

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And so we did.
So we it took us about six

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months.
We, we sold or gave away all of

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our stuff and I closed up my
agency and you know, I, I

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finished up my projects and we
set out for what was to be a one

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00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:44,440
year trip.
My son was 9 at the time.

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That was 17 years ago.
We never went back and we ended

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up, you know, traveling around
the world.

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And what I realized as we
started doing this in

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partnership was that I too was
learning from these experiences.

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And travel was such a great way
to learn.

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And I also understood that the
one of my biggest superpowers

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was something that I suppressed
for a long time, which was this

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natural curiosity.
I always had questions about the

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world.
And once I allowed that to come

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back into our our relationship
and our life together, we were

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side by side learning together.
And we just wanted to go here

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and learn this and learn that.
And, you know, we went on

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archaeological digs and we went
to museums and like everything

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was new and we were just in this
constant state of learning.

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And when my son, so we did this
for four or five years and then

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when my son was 1314, we really
wanted to have community.

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And at the time I was, I was
becoming this advocate about, Oh

252
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my gosh, this natural state of
learning and travel and this and

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that.
And I was writing blogs and I

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was writing in magazines and,
and, and guest pieces and all

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these different things.
And we started to get invited to

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speak at conferences and things
of that nature.

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The first time that my son had
encountered or met other

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self-directed learners called
unschoolers, he's like, wow,

259
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there are crazy, you know, free
learners like me.

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This is great.
However, I just don't want to go

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00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,560
back to the United States to
continue to learn.

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So we came up with a plan and
the plan was let's bring them to

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us.
And so I headed down this

264
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educational path, self-directed
learning path, and I learned

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everything I could about not
only creating and facilitating

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learning communities from and
using the university structure

267
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as what I would, because
learning communities, there

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00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,320
wasn't a whole lot of studies
about learning communities for

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undergrad for people before
college.

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And so most of it was through
materials that I was reading

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about university level learning
communities.

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And so I learned everything I
could about that.

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I learned about facilitation.
I learned about nonviolent

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communication and this led me
down the path of learning

275
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:30,400
everything I could about the
adolescent brain and learning

276
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:35,440
about, you know, adolescent
development and psychological

277
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:39,000
development and how to hold
space and how to use tools and

278
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,600
healing and all of this other
stuff.

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So it really start, you know,
propelled me down this path so I

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can learn everything I could as
a self-directed learner, so I

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00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:55,640
could facilitate other
self-directed learners in a very

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safe space.
That made sense.

283
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:03,040
And so yeah, that's that's how
this whole thing started.

284
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And like I said, we've served
thousands of teens.

285
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Crazy amount of teens on our
trips, and we've hired other

286
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:18,280
facilitators to help us and
yeah, it's just been an amazing

287
00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:23,240
path.
Also, during 2020, I've focused

288
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:27,960
on the mental health side
primarily because of course,

289
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:32,360
nobody was traveling during 2020
and the years right after that.

290
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:36,320
So now my focus is both of those
things.

291
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:40,040
Obviously before it was, you
know, with the the inner and

292
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:45,720
outer worlds, but now I have a
whole tool belt filled with

293
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:51,600
tools to help teens and
adolescents overcome certain,

294
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,560
you know, challenges as as they
arise.

295
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,040
Yeah, so we'll, we'll get on to
that.

296
00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:59,560
I'm interested to find out a
little bit more about that and

297
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:01,200
your approaches in a in a few
minutes.

298
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:04,640
But I'm wondering, I hope this
isn't too personal a question,

299
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:08,600
but I wonder what does your son
think as he reflects back on

300
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:11,480
that kind of different
experience of schooling and

301
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:14,560
traveling and learning in
different ways now that he's an

302
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:15,640
adult?
How does?

303
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,520
What are his reflections and and
thoughts on it?

304
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:24,280
Well, he is so incredibly
grateful that that was his

305
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,880
experience.
He's now 26.

306
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:31,200
We both live in the same town
here in Mexico.

307
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:35,720
And one of the, the, you know,
this is kind of outside of the

308
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:38,200
scope of your audience's
interest.

309
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:42,400
But one of the things that we've
really focused on is what I call

310
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,920
partnership parenting.
And the partnership parenting

311
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:50,120
piece is really a radical way of
parenting.

312
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:53,200
And I've worked with many
families throughout the years to

313
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:57,880
help them step into this
modality of parenting.

314
00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:01,960
And it works really well with
self-directed learning.

315
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,760
But it also, it's, it's like
taking conscious parenting,

316
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:09,360
which deals with the
accountability of 1's own inner

317
00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:14,400
world as a parent and not
becoming triggered in all of

318
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:18,600
these, these tools that you use
to be very consciously aware.

319
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:22,640
But it takes the relationship
into the realm of, of

320
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:29,120
partnership from recognizing
that both people are are, you

321
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:31,600
know, independent, sovereign
human beings.

322
00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:35,000
But we are just working together
for the same goal.

323
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:40,480
And the goal is, you know, I'm
raising my my child and I want

324
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:44,960
to make sure that he becomes
somebody who is happy, healthy,

325
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,080
and has this deep love of
learning.

326
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:53,440
And so I did, you know, achieve
those things with him and he's

327
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:56,880
very, very happy about that.
You know, he's living, he's

328
00:22:56,880 --> 00:23:00,560
living his best life.
He's got several projects that

329
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:02,960
he works on.
He actually teaches

330
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:08,080
self-directed teens at an online
school or, or, or tweens,

331
00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:11,600
actually self-directed tweens at
an online school.

332
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:17,440
He focuses in on history and
myth, which are his two favorite

333
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:22,600
topics, but he's also a board
game designer and he also does

334
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:27,440
voice over for audiobooks and
has many books on Audible right

335
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:29,720
now.
So he he does a lot of different

336
00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:33,800
things.
Plus two years ago we both had

337
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:36,880
this idea to open up a board
game cafe.

338
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:41,960
So we're partners in that.
So as a, as a human being who's

339
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:47,360
an adult, you know, being raised
this way, he's very comfortable

340
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:51,280
in the world.
And he also says to me all the

341
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:54,000
time, I'm so glad I didn't grow
up in LA.

342
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:59,280
I'm so glad you took me out of
LA because I, he, he feels like

343
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:03,760
the, the world view is this big
and what he got growing up

344
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:08,400
around the world is massive.
So he really knows who he is and

345
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:13,360
he really knows how he fits into
the world and feels comfortable

346
00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:17,560
in the world and has these
beautiful partnerships with

347
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:21,880
everybody that's in his life
and, and chooses to continue

348
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:25,400
partnerships with me, his mom,
where he doesn't have to.

349
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:29,600
But we have businesses together
and we still run Project World

350
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:33,800
School to get together when we
run our trips.

351
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:37,200
So we only do right now, we only
do two or three a year, where

352
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:41,200
when he was growing up, we live
nomadically and went from place

353
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:44,480
to place and did about six to
seven years.

354
00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:48,960
So yeah.
So moving on a little bit now to

355
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:52,160
you mentioned your work more
recently with teenagers and, and

356
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:56,200
supporting them.
What are some of the, in your

357
00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:59,120
experience, some of the biggest
misconceptions that people have

358
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:06,480
about teenagers in terms of
their needs, how they act, how

359
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:09,920
they behave?
What are what are some of those

360
00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:16,640
misconceptions people have?
Well, there's a lot, and

361
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:23,600
actually I wrote a book in 2022
and chapter 3 is all about team

362
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:27,000
myths and I think it's really
important to look at those and

363
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:32,960
dispel them.
Some of the team myths that are

364
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:37,720
in the dominant culture, right?
We grew up with thinking teens

365
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:42,160
are irrational, teens are
erratic, teens are disrespectful

366
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:46,360
teens, you know?
Well, I'm sure there's a whole

367
00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:51,320
list of things that you
personally can think of in terms

368
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:53,360
of these quote UN quote teen
myths.

369
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:58,960
And we're lucky now to be in a
time where there is there has

370
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:03,680
been a lot of research done on
not only adolescent development,

371
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:07,600
but neurobiological development
and psychological development.

372
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:13,680
We do know that the centers of
the brain that control emotional

373
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:19,200
development to develop first
versus the areas of the brain

374
00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:22,240
that control rational and long
term thinking.

375
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:26,680
And that can actually actually
determine consequences.

376
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:30,600
That doesn't get fully developed
until they're age 25.

377
00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:34,200
So when you have these two
things, you know, hyper

378
00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:41,640
emotional States and did they
have the most dopamine receptors

379
00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:45,720
in their brain during any time
of their life, It's going to be

380
00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:49,320
during the teen years.
So that means that novelty and

381
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:54,000
newness drives them.
These really big emotional

382
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:59,760
states are part of their
experience and the inability to

383
00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:04,960
determine whether or not that
this choice that they make can

384
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:09,640
indeed have a long term effect.
They don't have that ability.

385
00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:14,760
If we can understand that as
parents and facilitators and

386
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:19,280
teachers and those that are and
coaches and those that are in

387
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:24,360
the life of of teens and help
them recognize that there's

388
00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:28,040
nothing wrong with them.
They're this is where they are

389
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:32,680
developmentally.
And I'm here to be the person

390
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:38,280
that not with judgment, but to
help you determine these long

391
00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:43,280
term consequences that doesn't
take their big emotions

392
00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:50,080
personally, that can help them
use tools to regulate their

393
00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:53,360
nervous systems.
Once you know they get

394
00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:58,040
dysregulated.
If we can approach this from a

395
00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:02,400
very rational perspective as
those that are holding space for

396
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:08,000
them and keeping them safe, we
can then be the support for them

397
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:13,160
that they need during these
times versus you're irrational,

398
00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:15,360
go to your room.
Why are you rude to me?

399
00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:20,600
And all of these other normal
responses that like my parents

400
00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:24,520
had before, we recognize that
there is an actual

401
00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:28,840
neurobiological reason for these
things to happen.

402
00:28:29,080 --> 00:28:33,520
Now this is not like here's
here's a ticket for you to be a

403
00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:40,080
jerk, but let's let's unpack
what happens and what's going on

404
00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:45,000
when these big emotions happen.
And as the parent and as the

405
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:50,000
partner, the the rational person
who's supporting the teens while

406
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:53,000
they're having these big
feelings and big emotions, let's

407
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:57,400
not take it personally, but
let's hold space for them while

408
00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:02,840
they can process these things
and let's make repairs because

409
00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:06,600
what's most important is the
connection.

410
00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:11,600
And again, if you want to be
somebody who has an adult child,

411
00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:16,760
who has a strong connection, who
doesn't even, you know, like my

412
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:21,080
son, you know, yes, let's
partner, let's let's create a

413
00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:25,400
business partnership because we
have this trust and connection,

414
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:27,520
because I'm not there trying to
control him.

415
00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:31,320
I'm not judging him.
I'm seeing him as a full human

416
00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:36,560
being based on his capabilities.
And trust me, I love the fact

417
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:40,120
that my son, all of his, his
rationality, please come online

418
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:46,480
now because I can almost exhale
in those those responsibilities

419
00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:51,720
and I meet him where he is.
It takes a lot of inner work as

420
00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:56,560
a parent to know what's going on
inside of you, heal your own

421
00:29:56,560 --> 00:30:00,320
childhood wounds so they don't
become part of your own

422
00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:04,760
children's childhood wounds.
And all of you have to have a

423
00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:07,040
big healing party when
everybody's an adult.

424
00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:11,400
Time for you to do that as an
adult or as a parent yourself.

425
00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:17,560
So As for, let's say parents
listening or teachers, educators

426
00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:21,840
listening, what do teenagers
need most from adults?

427
00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:26,240
Is it that kind of space to be
understood?

428
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,760
Is it someone to listen and to
help them through that kind of

429
00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:34,760
process, to help them understand
their own what's going on in

430
00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:36,680
their heads with their emotions?
What is that?

431
00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:41,960
Well, I think you just touched
on it's just so funny that that

432
00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:44,680
that it's you almost said the
name of my book.

433
00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:47,680
My book is seen, heard and
understood.

434
00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:52,720
And that's what teens need.
They don't need for adults or

435
00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:56,880
caretakers or teachers or
coaches to solve their problems.

436
00:30:57,240 --> 00:31:03,120
They need to see them for who
they are, where they are, and

437
00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:07,160
that is so important.
That gives them safety and

438
00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:09,520
security.
It gives them confidence that

439
00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:14,640
what they're feeling is real.
It gives them confidence to

440
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:18,920
understand that their their
needs, their beliefs, their

441
00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:21,600
thoughts and their feelings
matter.

442
00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:26,000
Whether or not you know they
don't feel it or think that in 5

443
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:28,760
minutes, in this moment, it
matters.

444
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:31,480
They need to be seen, heard and
understood.

445
00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:36,840
And his parents, caretakers,
coaches, teachers, we need not

446
00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:40,680
to solve their problems.
We need to create safe spaces so

447
00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:43,520
they could be exactly where they
are.

448
00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:48,800
Also, in my practice, I, I, I
work as a coach for parents and

449
00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:52,880
for teens, primarily for teens,
but I have worked with many

450
00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:56,000
parents in service to their
teens.

451
00:31:56,040 --> 00:32:01,640
Right.
And what I find is using tools,

452
00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:07,640
tools for mental health become
the best way of approaching it.

453
00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:09,880
They're objective.
They're outside of yourself.

454
00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:13,720
Nobody's telling you you're
wrong or right.

455
00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:16,960
They're giving you an
opportunity to see things in a

456
00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:21,360
totally different way.
I've got tools for reframing,

457
00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:26,560
tools for understanding, you
know, how beliefs are created,

458
00:32:26,880 --> 00:32:31,720
tools for doing shadow work to,
you know, some that go really

459
00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:37,960
deep, some that are just about
exploring tools for regulating

460
00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:42,920
your nervous system.
Tools we're, you know, having

461
00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:48,320
first, you know, having control
and power over that voice of the

462
00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:55,480
cell sub subconscious and you
don't things about understanding

463
00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:58,480
our own, you know, the way that
we work.

464
00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:02,640
That's important.
Every single time I teach a

465
00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:06,520
course, I teach these 12 week
courses for teens online that

466
00:33:06,640 --> 00:33:10,640
teach them these tools.
We go through this whole series.

467
00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:17,280
At the end, they're exhaling
like I thought something was

468
00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:19,680
wrong with me.
And now I know that every single

469
00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:23,840
person here in this group felt
the same way.

470
00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:28,240
And now that it's understood, I
don't feel so crazy.

471
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:33,320
I don't feel like, wow, I'm just
going through what it means to

472
00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:36,680
be human in this stage, and
that's so important.

473
00:33:36,680 --> 00:33:41,680
And now I have these tools that
I can use to facilitate my own,

474
00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:45,320
you know, challenges.
Whatever comes up for me, I have

475
00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:47,280
a tool for that.
I have a tool for this.

476
00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:50,600
I have a tool for that.
And they have this whole, you

477
00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:55,760
know, booklet of, of tools that
they can access throughout their

478
00:33:55,760 --> 00:33:59,280
life.
And that is empowerment and that

479
00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:03,840
is confidence.
And I think you touched on a

480
00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:06,640
little bit there, but what do
you see as some of the the

481
00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:11,120
longer term outcomes for kids
and teens that go through this

482
00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:15,040
kind of process and learn these
tools and practice them?

483
00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:18,679
Is it in later in life?
Are we you trying to build

484
00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:21,800
resilience and grit?
Is it ability to deal with

485
00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:24,800
stress?
Is it ability to have great

486
00:34:24,800 --> 00:34:27,719
interpersonal relationships?
What do you see as some of the

487
00:34:27,719 --> 00:34:30,320
things that you know this
blossoms into?

488
00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:37,159
All of those things, healthy
relationships is is a big part

489
00:34:37,159 --> 00:34:40,760
of it.
I believe as humans, the only

490
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:46,120
way that we can actually grow
and heal and know ourselves

491
00:34:46,159 --> 00:34:49,400
better is through relationship
to other.

492
00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:52,960
Sometimes it's interpersonal
relationships, sometimes it's

493
00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:58,280
work relationships, group
dynamics, but also we are who we

494
00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:01,320
are and reflection of others as
as well.

495
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:05,200
And so we need to learn all of
the different levels of that.

496
00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:10,840
There's more to just
understanding self.

497
00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:14,360
It's understanding and
experiencing self.

498
00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:21,440
Yes, grit and and resilience
happens, but it's not the goal.

499
00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:24,680
We're not doing the grit course
today or the grit tool.

500
00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:31,280
It it, it is the effect of
knowing oneself and having the

501
00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:37,800
ability to pivot or adjust or
take responsibility or be

502
00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:44,200
accountable and make mistakes
and make repair.

503
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:50,600
So that's learning about life,
That's this that that's what we

504
00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:53,880
need.
We need courses in this in

505
00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:56,280
schools.
We need, you know, if they're

506
00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:58,600
not in schools, so This is why
Ioffer them.

507
00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:02,360
But these are the the core
subjects that people need to

508
00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:06,760
learn in order to know how to be
human.

509
00:36:08,160 --> 00:36:10,600
Yeah.
And as someone who works in

510
00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:14,640
schools, I see we see a group,
you know, just an increasing

511
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:21,880
need year on year of, you know,
kids and the adults in these

512
00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:25,680
spaces needing to know these
skills and needing to be able to

513
00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:29,880
work on them and develop them is
really just so important.

514
00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:33,480
And, you know, I think there's a
lot of assumptions there that we

515
00:36:34,200 --> 00:36:37,160
we expect kids to demonstrate
these things without, like you

516
00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:39,480
said before, teaching them the
skills with giving them the

517
00:36:39,480 --> 00:36:43,360
tools and the toolkit to be able
to navigate this when sometimes

518
00:36:43,360 --> 00:36:45,360
even as adults we can't do that
ourselves.

519
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:52,520
It's so true.
Early on when I first became a

520
00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:58,440
parent, I assumed that, well,
just having a child, having a

521
00:36:58,440 --> 00:37:00,880
baby, we're going to be
connected.

522
00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:04,800
And that was so the farthest
thing from the truth.

523
00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:09,200
And I sat down and read every
book I could about being a mom.

524
00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:13,640
And you know what is parenting?
And that brought me into my very

525
00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:17,840
first entry into attachment
parenting, which was so powerful

526
00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:21,920
to me.
And I thought I needed this

527
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:24,960
book.
I needed the knowledge that that

528
00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:29,480
wasn't part of my upbringing,
but I needed to learn.

529
00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:32,920
I as the adult was accountable
to learn.

530
00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:37,840
And so not that there is there
are these assumptions that just

531
00:37:37,840 --> 00:37:39,840
because I had a child, we're
going to be connected and

532
00:37:39,840 --> 00:37:42,760
they're going to love me and I'm
going to love them and that's

533
00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:45,120
it.
But that's the farthest thing

534
00:37:45,120 --> 00:37:47,760
from the truth.
Or just because I love working

535
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:50,680
with kids, you know, we're going
to be connected.

536
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:54,360
They know that they should know
that I'm there and you know,

537
00:37:54,360 --> 00:37:56,720
they should feel privileged that
I chose to be there.

538
00:37:56,720 --> 00:38:02,200
Well, it doesn't work that way.
It's about relationship and

539
00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:07,160
that's really important.
And if you, you know, I love the

540
00:38:07,240 --> 00:38:10,720
the analogy that you can't pour
from an empty cup.

541
00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:12,960
Well, how do you fill your own
cup?

542
00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:17,920
You fill your own cup by knowing
what's inside yourself and who

543
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:20,920
you are.
Also, you have to look at the

544
00:38:20,920 --> 00:38:24,560
emptiness of the cup as well,
because that's part of who you

545
00:38:24,560 --> 00:38:26,440
are.
Because we all come with empty

546
00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:31,560
and full and anywhere in between
at any given point in our lives.

547
00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:33,560
And we've got to know who that
is.

548
00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:37,760
So if I put myself in a
situation where I know that I'm

549
00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:42,280
going to be exposed to things
that trigger me or are unhealed

550
00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:46,880
in me, I have the accountability
as the adult to say I need to

551
00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:48,840
remove myself from the
situation.

552
00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:51,960
So I could ground myself in this
moment.

553
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:55,200
If that's, you know, if the
situation, if that's possible.

554
00:38:55,520 --> 00:38:59,240
But that's my accountability.
And it's my accountability to

555
00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:03,760
heal those wounds inside of me
so that when somebody walks in

556
00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:08,160
and accidentally slams the door,
I don't go off the handle.

557
00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:11,680
Because I had a parent who did
that when I was a child and it

558
00:39:11,680 --> 00:39:16,080
triggered something inside of me
that wasn't, you know,

559
00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:20,160
appropriate for that moment.
Maybe it was just the wind, but

560
00:39:21,240 --> 00:39:25,000
I'm accountable for the me that
I bring in this moment.

561
00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:30,960
And that's those are the the,
the sort of vulnerability, the

562
00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:34,680
the vulnerability of being
human, that kind of connection

563
00:39:34,680 --> 00:39:38,480
that we need to bring into all
of our relationships.

564
00:39:38,720 --> 00:39:41,600
Yeah.
OK.

565
00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:46,160
So that seems like a good place
to almost draw things to a

566
00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:47,680
close.
And I have a couple of quick

567
00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:49,200
questions for you, if that's all
right.

568
00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:52,720
So what is your favorite book
and why?

569
00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:00,760
What is my favorite book and
why?

570
00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:07,240
Well, there there's a book that
informed my professional work

571
00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:13,040
for many, many years.
It's called Brainstorm, The

572
00:40:13,040 --> 00:40:16,040
Passion and Purpose of the
Teenage Brain, and it's written

573
00:40:16,040 --> 00:40:19,040
by Doctor Daniel Siegel and
that.

574
00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:25,280
You know, informed me so much
it, it taught me so much and it,

575
00:40:25,400 --> 00:40:29,320
it gave me permission to go
deeper and to even write my own

576
00:40:29,320 --> 00:40:33,200
book.
And I refer to his work quite a

577
00:40:33,200 --> 00:40:39,880
bit in in my book.
And it helped me to understand

578
00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:43,400
the teenage experience, the
adolescent experience in a

579
00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:48,320
really beautiful way.
I've read so many books on this

580
00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:53,600
topic.
I have some favorite novels, but

581
00:40:54,280 --> 00:40:56,600
yeah, just leave it there.
Leader.

582
00:40:57,720 --> 00:41:00,960
I think I'm going to have to say
something that you're probably

583
00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:07,320
not going to expect.
There was an artist, and the

584
00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:10,480
reason why obviously I come from
an art background, but there was

585
00:41:10,480 --> 00:41:14,680
an artist named Joan Miro from
Spain.

586
00:41:14,720 --> 00:41:19,920
And I loved his work so much
because in the quiet subtleness

587
00:41:21,040 --> 00:41:24,280
of his work, there were
political tones.

588
00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:30,280
But he had the power and
confidence to create a new

589
00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:33,280
language through his
expressions.

590
00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:38,600
And he saw things in a very
childlike, playful way.

591
00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:46,080
And I think the cornerstone of
being human comes through play.

592
00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:51,760
Play brings us to creativity,
creativity connects to

593
00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:56,280
imagination, and imagination is
where we solve problems.

594
00:41:56,720 --> 00:42:01,560
And all of that combined
together in the subtleness of

595
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:11,360
his art is in fact a way of
visually leading a whole, you

596
00:42:11,360 --> 00:42:18,760
know, audience into accessing
their own power of play through

597
00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:23,320
imagination.
And finally.

598
00:42:23,320 --> 00:42:25,600
Not what you expected, right?
No, it wasn't.

599
00:42:25,600 --> 00:42:31,280
It wasn't, but so wonderful.
And did I hear correctly perhaps

600
00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:34,280
the name of your son after the
artist?

601
00:42:34,560 --> 00:42:38,200
Was that right?
Exactly.

602
00:42:39,000 --> 00:42:42,080
Exactly.
My son's name is Miro.

603
00:42:43,960 --> 00:42:46,960
And finally, last question, best
advice you've ever received?

604
00:42:53,550 --> 00:42:58,750
Think slow down.
And I know that sounds so

605
00:42:58,750 --> 00:43:04,640
simple, but in every single
context, it works in Western

606
00:43:04,640 --> 00:43:09,240
culture, and I'm sure even where
you are, there is a culture of

607
00:43:09,240 --> 00:43:14,160
busyness, and busyness relates
to achievements and goals and

608
00:43:14,160 --> 00:43:20,080
productivity and value.
And I think one of the biggest

609
00:43:20,080 --> 00:43:25,000
sort of challenges that we've
had as human beings is having

610
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:30,280
the permission, giving ourselves
the permission and culturally

611
00:43:30,280 --> 00:43:38,760
taking permission to slow down
and just be be silent and be

612
00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:44,160
quiet with where we are and
being OK with that.

613
00:43:44,720 --> 00:43:49,560
You know, obviously it's about a
balancing act, but most people

614
00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:53,760
forget to slow down.
Most people forget that there is

615
00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:58,360
calmness in the sense of self.
And that's really important.

616
00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:04,120
Thank you so much for joining me
today, Laney.

617
00:44:04,120 --> 00:44:07,160
I've I've really enjoyed our
conversation and I really

618
00:44:07,160 --> 00:44:08,960
appreciate your time.
Thank you so much.

619
00:44:12,520 --> 00:44:13,960
My pleasure.
Thank you.

620
00:44:14,280 --> 00:44:15,960
Thanks so much for listening to
the episode.

621
00:44:16,160 --> 00:44:18,240
If you enjoyed this
conversation, don't forget to

622
00:44:18,240 --> 00:44:22,560
subscribe, like, follow, etc.
Drop a comment below to let me

623
00:44:22,560 --> 00:44:25,720
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624
00:44:25,720 --> 00:44:30,960
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625
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:32,720
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